I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
