I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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