I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
