Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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