i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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