I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
