I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
