I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
