I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The maid of honor just puked.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
