where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
