Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
