She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
