apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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