I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
