This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
