Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
