five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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