Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
