just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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