dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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