i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
