youre lurking in front of me
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
