During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
