Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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