She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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