New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
