the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
