my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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