things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
