yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
