if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
