well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
