If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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