When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
