yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
