Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
