I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
