Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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