Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
