I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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