I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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