i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
