Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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