Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
