I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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