I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
