highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
