I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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