The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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