I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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