In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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