You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
